I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
