Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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