he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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