So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
