If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it was like eating out sand paper
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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