Cold hands, warm shart.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
