so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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