saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
