I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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