Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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