I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
