My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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