I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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