my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
