There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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