I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
