there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
