Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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