I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
