I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
