My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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