so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
