just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize