My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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