I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
