Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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