im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
