Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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