I puked a lego.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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