I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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