I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
