I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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