I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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