I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
