Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
being pregnant is like rehab
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
