ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
