Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He did a backflip because drugs
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