Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
