some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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