Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
