I don't usually arrange sex via text message
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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