apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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