my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize