This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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