i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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