My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
