Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
