I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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