Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
