Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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