Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
