One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
