He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
