My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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