make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
