Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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