Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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