I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
