Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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