So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
