No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
